Open Wounds and Emotional Scar Tissue
Jun. 22nd, 2019 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oletherosI love tattoos. I have eighteen of them. I recently described the process of getting a tattoo as an open wound in an attractive design. In other words, I'm okay with the open wound and resulting scar tissue as long as I have something attractive to show for it in perpetuity. The pain is worth the gain. Especially if it's self inflicted.
I just had to cauterize an open emotional wound because the other person had inflicted it in such a way that there really wasn't any good way for it to heal naturally on my schedule. She certainly wasn't going to help, especially not on my timeline. More than anything else, I did not realize the depth of the wound or how long it had been there.
As a result of all that, I'm going to have a gnarly piece of un-asked-for emotional scar tissue. It's still healing and it hasn't scarred up yet and it won't be visible unless you know where to look. But it's a reminder.
There's a scene in the novel Mona Lisa Overdrive where one of the characters carries a scar that runs the length of her body. When she's asked why she hasn't had it removed, she says that it helps her remember. When the other character asks her "Remember what?", her response is "Being stupid."
The best sexual partner of my life was a hell of a drug. It certainly helped me overlook a pattern of seriously bad-faith behavior from a self-destructive individual who was clearly hell bent on torturing herself using me as the scapegoat. Before this, I had no real red flags. Now I have a whole handful of them.
And that really sucks. Because I like planning out my open wounds. That's why I pay professional tattoo artists to inflict them on me. Then I know what to expect. This felt mean. It was clearly unintentional - or, at least, unconscious. There is probably a really rigid logical reasoning behind every action. I just wish those had been shared instead of the actions generated by unvalidated assumptions.
At almost no time in the relationship did I feel like I was in control of the schedule or the timetable. In fact, one of the recurring themes was that if you ask for it, you're not going to get it. The ending felt much the same - we've been healing on her schedule. I have better things to do with my time.
I have two ex-wives. This was, by far, the worst breakup I've ever had in my life. Every one of my open wounds has a story behind it. Where the art came from, who the artist was, when I got it, any allusions or references or personal meaning associated with it. This really isn't that different. If you ask me, I'll tell you the truth about any bad actions on my part because they did happen and denying the truth isn't a mentally or emotionally healthy plan in the long run.
It's my wound. It's my story. There's another story, but I haven't heard the whole thing because she won't tell it to me, so I can't speak to it. I only know what happened to me from my perspective. And I was angry, but now I'm just sad.
I just had to cauterize an open emotional wound because the other person had inflicted it in such a way that there really wasn't any good way for it to heal naturally on my schedule. She certainly wasn't going to help, especially not on my timeline. More than anything else, I did not realize the depth of the wound or how long it had been there.
As a result of all that, I'm going to have a gnarly piece of un-asked-for emotional scar tissue. It's still healing and it hasn't scarred up yet and it won't be visible unless you know where to look. But it's a reminder.
There's a scene in the novel Mona Lisa Overdrive where one of the characters carries a scar that runs the length of her body. When she's asked why she hasn't had it removed, she says that it helps her remember. When the other character asks her "Remember what?", her response is "Being stupid."
The best sexual partner of my life was a hell of a drug. It certainly helped me overlook a pattern of seriously bad-faith behavior from a self-destructive individual who was clearly hell bent on torturing herself using me as the scapegoat. Before this, I had no real red flags. Now I have a whole handful of them.
And that really sucks. Because I like planning out my open wounds. That's why I pay professional tattoo artists to inflict them on me. Then I know what to expect. This felt mean. It was clearly unintentional - or, at least, unconscious. There is probably a really rigid logical reasoning behind every action. I just wish those had been shared instead of the actions generated by unvalidated assumptions.
At almost no time in the relationship did I feel like I was in control of the schedule or the timetable. In fact, one of the recurring themes was that if you ask for it, you're not going to get it. The ending felt much the same - we've been healing on her schedule. I have better things to do with my time.
I have two ex-wives. This was, by far, the worst breakup I've ever had in my life. Every one of my open wounds has a story behind it. Where the art came from, who the artist was, when I got it, any allusions or references or personal meaning associated with it. This really isn't that different. If you ask me, I'll tell you the truth about any bad actions on my part because they did happen and denying the truth isn't a mentally or emotionally healthy plan in the long run.
It's my wound. It's my story. There's another story, but I haven't heard the whole thing because she won't tell it to me, so I can't speak to it. I only know what happened to me from my perspective. And I was angry, but now I'm just sad.
